Freedom

Today I got to thinking about how when I'm out with straight friends that don't know I'm gay or gay friends that don't know I'm married, I tend to be reserved. But the few times I've been out with people that know my situation, how comfortable I feel.

Halloween night, I sat with my sexy neighbour and drank Margaritas. I made a couple of jokes about being gay and we laughed together. I've been on dates with guys that have known my situation and made out with them in a bar. When I was lucky enough to have dinner with Moby and Frank last year, I felt comfortable.

I guess the lesson here, is that hiding a secret like this plays havoc on your soul.

Unfortunately, in this country, this state, it's unlikely to change. So I will continue to feel like this, but the extended lesson, is to not let it bother me, and have fun no matter what.

Bad Judgement

Against my better judgement, and your advice, I continued to chat with the partnered guy. He assured me that his "partnership" was more like a room mate. I felt this was ok to chat. I even told him to take sex off the table and to just be friends.

We continued to chat and he slowly brought back sex, saying it was flirting.

Finally on Friday I decided enough was enough. An opportunity arose for me to ask him not to contact me anymore. He had actually suggested it... "if you want me to stop contacting you, just say so, and I will." So I did.

Since my saying I want it to stop, he has contacted me 3 times.

"This isn't what you want"

I did not resond.

"Trick or Treat"

I did not resond

"I'm humbled to say that I told (my partner) about how upset I was about yours and my disconnect in communication. He was upset when he saw me crying. I can't help it. Our friendship means so much to me.I don't want us to be over."

I did respond... "this is why I need it to end. Too fast. I'm not ready for a relationship like this. Sorry for any hurt I have caused."

I'm hoping this takes care of it. I really can't be involved with anyone so needy. Oddly he specifically told me he was not needy.

I unfortunately sent him an email, while we were still communicating, from an email address that announced my real name. Great! Not that I really need to hide, other than at work, which he could make very difficult for me.

All this and we hadn't even met yet... lordy what would have happened if we'd had sex... maybe we should have, that would have turned him off me.

Work...ugh!

I don’t usually talk about work here, but I just have to relate this story to someone… you.

I’ve been working to becoming a manager for some time. My problem, apparently, is that I don’t manage upward very well. So basically my boss’s boss doesn’t know I exist… well he does, because he keeps denying me a promotion.

Lately I’ve been called the defacto Manager, and a pseudomanager. I basically am the Manager for our group, just without the title or money. Fine… whatever, I like my job for the most part.

My boss will be out for a while. I have been given signiture authority while she is out. No big deal, this happens all the time, I’m used to it. Usually it’s for departmental spends up to $100 000. I never have signing authority for legal docs, until today. So… how much more of a Manager can I get without actually being one. It’s kind of funny.

It’s kind of like same sex marriage. Do everything that is a marriage, but don’t call it that.

Where are they?

Where are all the normal, available guys?

I'm chatting with a guy these days that seems normal, but he's got a partner. I know I shouldn't be, but right now it's just chat, flirting, and friendship. Maybe I'm just desparate for a friend. It's nice to be able to talk to a guy about sex and life experiences, without having to edit myself.

Other guys I chat with, end up being really odd, or impatient because I can't just jump in my car and drive to their house for a quickie.

I'm debating telling this chatting guy, that it is highly unlikely that I am going to drive to his house, 70 miles away, to have sex with him while his partner is at work. Or should I just chat, no harm in that. Or should I just tell him I don't want him contacting me any longer. I guess if I'm asking these questions I know what I should do. What do you think?

Update

It's been a while since I posted. So here is a quick update.

I have been doing terribly on my diet. Really.... I'm going to do better.

I've been chatting with and texting a guy. I really shouldn't be texting him. He's got a partner, that he says knows he's stepping out on. He also says that he and his partner have been loveless for about 5 years. He lives so far away that it's unlikely that we will ever get together, so I'm just going to call him a friend and flirt and have fun.

My mother has been in the hospital for the past few days, I think she went in on Wednesday last week. Heart issues mostly. She may be released this Tuesday.

We just got back from San Diego and Sea World. We had a great time, with little arguing. It was nice to get away. There were a ton of hot guys in San Diego. I couldn't help but think how nice it would be to go on a trip with a guy... alone. And it got me to thinking that I still haven't had a sleepover yet, since coming out.

Another work week awaits me.

New Start

No nothing that exciting, but I am restarting my diet...

I'm going to get serious.

I'm going to be HOT and in shape by the time I move out of here.

Watch for updates.

Projecting

I was talking to my sexy neighbour today. We work in the same building and he came down to my cube to talk to me. Usually we just IM, but he made the trip to my cube... Ok reading too much into it?

I got my hair cut and it ended up much shorted than usual, actually similar to my sexy neighbour.

I swear when i talk to him I just want to grab him and pull him in tight.

He even made a joke about a part of his pool equipment being bigger than mine.

I know, I know... I'm projecting my desire for him on his actions and making him gay when he's not.