Another weekend gone.

Another weekend has come and gone.

The wife was sick these passed few days. She also had to study for a big test. I have taken on many more roles around the house. Besides laundress, cleaning lady, and cook, today the kids expected me to be the entertainer. I tried to get them out on their own, but we have bred them to be couch potatoes. I lost it once and felt bad and apologized, but the damage was done.

I'm worn out, sick and tired, and fed up. I need a break, but I won't be getting one. I supposed I've made my bed....

As I type this I can see myself in a mirror and I'm sickened by what I see. I took my son out side and through a football back and forth (I hope no one saw that... I think I throw like a girl...no one ever showed me how to throw a foot ball.) and we ran around. I am so out of shape, it's disgusting.

Ok Pity Party over.

Question for those that read this... What do you do on Thanksgiving and Christmas that makes those days with family special or fun. It will just be us this year, so we need to make it more than just a meal. I'd appreciate your suggestions.

Floating Around In My Head

Not much has been going on.

Too much in my head to focus and put down on paper, so her are some snipits.

I'm FAT and I'm sick of it, I need to get in shape. With the wife's new school schedule, I can't seem to find the time to get to the gym, but I can take control of my eating, so why don't I ....

Work has been busy, but I'm so bored, same old stuff....

Holidays are coming, so many things to do, trying to get organized.

Can't wait till I have a place of my own so I can invite people over for dinner, wife doesn't want to anymore.

Afraid to be on my own.

Will I find love or just sex with a guy, will I allow myself to fall in love. I don't have any gay friends because I don't have time right now to keep them. When I finally get the time, they will have all given up on me.

Brain Soup!!

Do you kiss?

YES!

I get asked this question a lot. I understand why. When I was more in the closet and doing it with guys on the "down-low", I really didn't like to kiss. It was somehow more intimate. I know, more intimate than giving a guy a blow job. I know weird. But it's how I felt.

Now that I'm out-ish, I love to kiss guys. When I'm chatting I usually tell the story of how when I used to kiss the wife I thought it was... ok. But then I started kissing guys and I understood why people liked making out. Wow, sometimes there really are fireworks.

I'm still surprised that I get asked that question when guys know that I'm out and dating.

Busy Busy

I had a very busy weekend.

Laundry, Ironing, mowed lawn, trimmed backyard bushes, got fucked, washed cars, built a chicken coop, etc.

Oh what was that one in the middle. I went over to a guys place that I've known for a while. We've hooked up a couple of times. We went to dinner and after dinner we did the deed, and as he put it, I am now officially a bottom... but as I put it...I may be versatile. I should set one thing straight. While I did have sex with him, he is a friend with benefits and that's all. He did say he finds me incredibly sexy and that I ooze sex... I just don't know what to say to that.

Anyway, good weekend, now another week of torture.

Freedom

Today I got to thinking about how when I'm out with straight friends that don't know I'm gay or gay friends that don't know I'm married, I tend to be reserved. But the few times I've been out with people that know my situation, how comfortable I feel.

Halloween night, I sat with my sexy neighbour and drank Margaritas. I made a couple of jokes about being gay and we laughed together. I've been on dates with guys that have known my situation and made out with them in a bar. When I was lucky enough to have dinner with Moby and Frank last year, I felt comfortable.

I guess the lesson here, is that hiding a secret like this plays havoc on your soul.

Unfortunately, in this country, this state, it's unlikely to change. So I will continue to feel like this, but the extended lesson, is to not let it bother me, and have fun no matter what.

Bad Judgement

Against my better judgement, and your advice, I continued to chat with the partnered guy. He assured me that his "partnership" was more like a room mate. I felt this was ok to chat. I even told him to take sex off the table and to just be friends.

We continued to chat and he slowly brought back sex, saying it was flirting.

Finally on Friday I decided enough was enough. An opportunity arose for me to ask him not to contact me anymore. He had actually suggested it... "if you want me to stop contacting you, just say so, and I will." So I did.

Since my saying I want it to stop, he has contacted me 3 times.

"This isn't what you want"

I did not resond.

"Trick or Treat"

I did not resond

"I'm humbled to say that I told (my partner) about how upset I was about yours and my disconnect in communication. He was upset when he saw me crying. I can't help it. Our friendship means so much to me.I don't want us to be over."

I did respond... "this is why I need it to end. Too fast. I'm not ready for a relationship like this. Sorry for any hurt I have caused."

I'm hoping this takes care of it. I really can't be involved with anyone so needy. Oddly he specifically told me he was not needy.

I unfortunately sent him an email, while we were still communicating, from an email address that announced my real name. Great! Not that I really need to hide, other than at work, which he could make very difficult for me.

All this and we hadn't even met yet... lordy what would have happened if we'd had sex... maybe we should have, that would have turned him off me.

Work...ugh!

I don’t usually talk about work here, but I just have to relate this story to someone… you.

I’ve been working to becoming a manager for some time. My problem, apparently, is that I don’t manage upward very well. So basically my boss’s boss doesn’t know I exist… well he does, because he keeps denying me a promotion.

Lately I’ve been called the defacto Manager, and a pseudomanager. I basically am the Manager for our group, just without the title or money. Fine… whatever, I like my job for the most part.

My boss will be out for a while. I have been given signiture authority while she is out. No big deal, this happens all the time, I’m used to it. Usually it’s for departmental spends up to $100 000. I never have signing authority for legal docs, until today. So… how much more of a Manager can I get without actually being one. It’s kind of funny.

It’s kind of like same sex marriage. Do everything that is a marriage, but don’t call it that.